How to Show Love and Support to Women Struggling with Fertility

I realize that this has nothing to do with food, but this subject has been weighing a great deal on my mind lately.  Yesterday while I was on Pinterest I saw a pin about how you can show support and love to new moms.  After skimming through the article, I couldn't help feeling like infertile women are way too often forgotten about with the struggles that they have no choice but to endure.  I've been blessed with 2 beautiful children, but I've seen WAY too many negative pregnancy test results in the past 5 1/2 years, so my heart just aches for women who have any kind of difficulty getting pregnant.  It's one of the hardest things any woman will have to go through.  Ever.  Before I start, please let me clarify that even though these comments have actually been made to me directly by others (even by family members), this post is not written to purposely offend anyone who may actually say these things out loud.  If you choose to comment please do so respectfully and kindly, and PLEASE no debating back and forth.  Any negative, offensive or inappropriate comments will be deleted immediately.  Thanks for bearing with me.

First, here are 9 things that you should NEVER say to a woman who's struggling with fertility: 

1.  “My Husband and I Just LOOK at each other and we get pregnant!”  This is just wrong on so many levels.  You should never compare your blessing of fertility to someone else’s trial of infertility.  This puts me and others like me in a very awkward situation.  Not only do we not know how on earth to respond to this statement, but it makes our struggles that much harder.

2.  “Just relax and then you’ll get pregnant”, or, “You should give away all of your baby stuff, then you watch, it’ll happen!” There’s no way on earth that anyone can predict the future, so comments like these need to be avoided at all costs.  Infertility is very real and difficult enough as it is.  It’s like telling a cancer patient, “Just relax and you’ll be free of the cancer”.

3.  “Why don’t you just adopt?”  There are no words in the English language to describe how much I HATE it when people ask this question, especially since it only seems to come from fertile couples who have no problems whatsoever getting pregnant.  They have NO IDEA what goes into adoption; the financial costs, the paperwork, the heartache, the disappointments, the waiting, the emotional toll and more waiting is enough to make most couples not have the capacity to even attempt it.  I’ve personally never been through this process, but a very close friend of mine has, and it’s not like going to a baby store, selecting a baby and then walking out with your “purchase”.  It’s never anyone else’s place to suggest anything like this.  Wait for them to tell you if this is the direction they’ve decided to go.  Otherwise, it’s best not to ask or suggest at all.

4.  “Well, so-and-so doesn’t have any kids”.  I’ve been told this I don’t know how many times, and I really wish people would just stop.  It’s just not comforting.  The last thing infertile couples want to have to face before their time is that they may never have children.  Don’t compare their struggles to anyone else’s, because everyone suffers and copes differently.

5.  “I’m SO SICK of being pregnant!” or “I’m SO SICK of all these kids!”  You wouldn't  go up to a blind person and say how sick you are of wearing glasses or contacts, anymore than you would go up to someone who just suffered the death of a loved one by complaining about your own family.  It’s the exact same thing with infertility.  Avoid complaining about your pregnancy and children like the plague whenever you’re around a woman like me who’d give anything to be in your shoes.  We’d gladly take it ALL on; the backaches, the lack of sleep, the weight gain, the tiredness, the noise, and YES, EVEN ALL of the morning sickness and nausea, if it meant being able to welcome a brand new baby into our homes and into our lives.  Keep in mind that the very things you’re complaining about, are the blessings that women like me are praying so hard for.

6.  “I understand.  It took us 5 months to get pregnant”.  This may come as a shock, but you do NOT understand.  Five months is the blink of an eye compared to 5 years or more.  Please don’t ever compare yourself and your situation to anyone else’s, because no one will win.

7.  “Well, at least you have one boy and one girl.”  This is the comment that probably hurts me most of all.  I know that others mean well when they say it.  But then when someone turns right around to me and complains about having another girl or another boy, when all they really wanted was the opposite gender, they have no place making this kind of comment to me or to anyone else. Just because I’ve been blessed with one son and one daughter, does not mean that I’m ungrateful, or have forgotten to count my blessings.  My husband and I desire more children because both of us have always wanted a bigger family, and it wouldn't matter to us if they were boys or girls.

8.  “Have you tried (insert advice or treatment option here).”  This comment is just too personal, even for your own mother to ask.  How a person has children, or what paths they take to get them here, is no one else’s business.  Some options are just too expensive or too hard on a woman’s body.  Not to beat a dead horse, but once again, this type of comment only seems to come the most often from women who have never been forced to make a decision like this.  It’s never anyone else’s place to act the part of a fertility specialist.  Just because it worked for your friend’s cousin’s stepdaughter doesn’t mean that it’s right for everyone else.

9.  “You can take my kids whenever you want”.  This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but I must say that an infertile woman wants to be a parent, not a free babysitter.  This doesn’t help soften the blow, it only makes it worse.
10.  "We did everything we could to not get pregnant again but it still happened!"  No matter how frustrated, stressed or upset you may become if you're forced to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, do NOT, under any circumstances, voice these feelings aloud to a woman who has trouble conceiving.  It only rubs salt in the wound.
11.  "Maybe you're just not meant to be a mother/parents".  Who on EARTH thinks this is OK to say to an infertile couple???!!  Who has the right to be the judge of this?  Does mean that the druggie couple on the other side of town is meant to have a family?  Or what about all of the child abusers or neglected children who are sent to irresponsible, unloving parents throughout the world who don't even care??!  To me this comment is just plain heartless.

Now that I’ve gone on so much about what not to say, here are some tips that will help you know what to say and do if you know someone who’s having struggles with fertility.

1.  Give her a break if she doesn’t jump for joy when you announce that you’re pregnant, whether it's your first baby or your 6th.  This subject is extremely painful for infertile women.  She’s forced to be around expectant moms wherever she goes; she can’t even shop for groceries without running into them at every turn!  Let her know that when you do make your announcement, try to be more empathetic by telling her she can respond to it in any way that she chooses, even if she decides to shed a few tears.  Your understanding can mean the world to her, and that way no one gets hurt.

2.  Don’t be the least bit offended if she declines invitations to baby showers, whether they be for you or for someone else.  There are few things more painful for infertile women than being forced to watch someone else who is pregnant, open up presents with adorable baby clothes and toys inside of them when she’s never had this opportunity to do it for herself.  Invite her to let her know that her presence is still important to you, but remember that if she does say no, it's nothing personal.  It's the same thing with birth announcements.  Try to put yourself in her shoes.

3.  Remember her on Mother’s Day.  This one is SO important!  Every year when this day comes, it's almost unbearable to a woman who’s never had the opportunity to be a mother.  Send her a card, a thoughtful text message, email, Facebook message or some other note to let her know that you’re thinking of her and that you love her.

4.  If you’re struggling with your pregnancy and/or your kids and just need some time to vent, save it for the times when you’re around others who are in your current situation and when she’s not around to hear.  That way her feelings won't be hurt and it won’t be awkward or upsetting for anyone involved.

5.  Have girl’s nights and other get-togethers where she can feel included.  Try as much as possible to not keep the conversation on your children the entire night.  There are other subjects to discuss and enjoy besides parenting and kids.
6.  If she decides to put a halt to all treatments or chooses not to adopt, don't push these issues.  Most likely, these decisions inevitably bring on a great deal of pain, frustration and a deep sense of loss, so be supportive, not judgmental.

7.  Love her.  We all need love, companionship and just plain human kindness.  Try as much as possible to show empathy towards her.  You may not know exactly how she feels, but the fact that you at least try to understand will make her infinitely grateful to you, and she will never forget you for the love and acceptance that you give to her.

(Sources:  Babble.com, Bandbacktogether.com, Yahoo)